This past week has been the strangest of my life.
It’s as though the God’s saw fit to split me in two; my light and my dark.
My light is quite simply… love, and I do not say that easily. Love is something I believed was a weakness and brought inescapable pain. Pain where you wish that lump in your throat would leave. Pain where you wish you no longer existed. Pain where your heart has dissolved to a seething heap of ash.
My darkness is decadence. Seduction. The hunt. Almost Vampiric.
Due to a Supernatural experience this week, by night I became someone I didn’t recognise; uncontrollable, nihilistic and openly provocative. I wanted high risk, I wanted to feel alive.
I am lucky to still be here.
Due to new friends in my life, my days were filled with love, acceptance and gentility on a scale I have never felt before. When I meet people there tends to be an instant reaction, they either become instantly combative or they are thinking about what I can do for them.
These people were not like this.
Both of these scenarios left me vulnerable – the dark left me physically vulnerable and the light emotionally so.
Both were like Heaven and both were like Hell.
After an emotional breakdown to my ‘Moose’ about what was going on at night she very clearly stated exactly what was wrong and I am now in the process of healing through that trauma. One that I never want to repeat.
We all need our darkness as it is often from where we gain our strength and it keeps us alive. Holding a monoploy on our consciousness though is a little different.
My day time activities however have had a profound effect on me and I refuse to let them go.
My current work involves dealing with the dead’s suffering, their visible deaths and the creatures that feed upon them. If I continue in this vein I am going to end up living on a bar stool surrounded by cigar butts and empty shot glasses.
My soul is tired.
I need to find the balance.
I need to bring the love back.
I am going to start working with the living again, helping them move past their own conditioning in a space of love and power. No exceptions.
Thank you Dana.